3 posts tagged “childhood”
in my head, i lay down and rest. felt the wind on my cheeks as the grass spun around me, and i stopped the clouds just by staring at them for long enough.
real time kicked in, and i was raking leaves. traveling back and forth from 12 years old, awkward and alone. it's the last time i remember raking leaves. it's the last time i remember those big orange pumpkin bags (is that why i was so insistent upon buying them?).
12 years old was the most awkward and alone time that i recall. so frequently, we forget these times, especially when we grow up and are forced to make decisions. there's the stress of everyday looming over us, bills-responsibilities-pmsing-holidayplans-multivitamins-antacids-furniture-cancer.... it all just sits there, and we forget about those moments when we were merely twelve years old and the world was going to frikkin end because you just hadn't hit puberty like all the other girls. it's a vicious cycle really. between the highs and lows in our personal sagas, we just forget to remember when everything was ok, when we were focused on raking leaves.
i bundled all the leaves safe away into the bright orange bags with the pumpkin faces. and i was fairly proud of myself when my husband pulled into the driveway. it wasn't necessarily for raking the full yard of leaves, but for conquering at least some small part of being awkward and alone. i had spent many years of my life that way, but i had never felt such control over it.
i'm certainly still an awkward girl, and a lot of times, i choose to be alone. but neither are to my detriment anymore. neither make me less of a person. in fact, frequently, they contribute to the eccentric but loveable girl i'm proud to be.
How many places have you lived in your life?
answer? a lot.
1. Bossier City, Louisiana.
2. Manchester, Connecticut.
3. Biloxi, Mississippi.
4. Ft. Worth, Texas.
5. Denver, Colorado.
6. Boston, Massachusetts.
7. New Orleans, Louisiana.
8. Austin, Texas.
9. Galway, Ireland.
10. Denver, Colorado, again.
quite literally as i'm cleaning out the basement and finding all these things which i had forgotten to remember for quite sometime.
i'm selling most of it, but there are things like a purple stuffed cow, a sequined red heel, and a variety of vhs tapes that make me pause.
where is everyone now? now that the old toys that used to be so important are being unpacked and sold ... now that the porcelain dolls are creepy reminders of shelved memories. now that favorite tshirts are being giggled at and fashion has taken a new turn.
i used to be really attached to things and stuff and these tangible ways to connect, but something in my core seems to have shifted. the lever has turned to a different setting, and i'm just letting go. it's that pacification you feel after purging, after letting those dreams go.
