4 posts tagged “griggs”
a long time ago, but not long enough ago that hearts weren't broken and girls weren't afraid, a philosopher told me that the next great task belonged to me.
i knew of what he meant, but i assumed death would follow, a great task that was to the point and ceasing. it was only last night in the soft air of five a.m. that i realized that my great task was this incredible being growing in my belly. i had begun building, and my job wouldn't be done until i could contribute to the world what has been taken from us. the next generation is beneath my belly with the hiccups.
a fantastic feeling to know that my husband and i can not only create together but build as well.
i began a small traveling last night. the night on the porch in austin when a opossum tried to chew my toes. back to a smoky bar, in which i first met my dear friend, josh. trying to remember what the armchair looked like, the one that kate and i transported via T in boston. a china cabinet, antique and well-laden, full of books. and how seth's room was always the smallest room in the back that drew all of the people.
occasionally, i would try to sleep, but i felt as if someone were awake with me somewhere and needed my comfort.
and desperately listening with an intent i knew nothing about.
driving to work and 'eve of destruction' came on a radio station that i never listen to and i never would listen to except it is randomly programmed as button number five and who am i to say 'no' to the fates that program my radio stations and so when there was nothing but commercials, i flipped to that ominous number five and there was eve of destruction and me saying, i think i know this song, when truly seth used to claim that he would sing that song when it was just him and a guitar and piles of abandoned cars at the essential end of the world and so he practiced it constantly in new orleans while chainsmoking on our roof and drinking a beer while i would sit next to him scribbling away in my notebook with a whiskey and a cigarette and somehow this is what our relationship could be all-encompassed to was two people who were chosen to 'be' together, separate, and next to each other at a certain point in time with few to no pretenses and very little money.
i just miss his smile sometimes.
it's hard when i can only remember that there was a time in my life when i knew a boy who i loved very deeply as my best friend and my inspiration. i can't remember the things i said in conversation or what we talked about, but that we had fun and smart witticisms to cover the long days. i don't remember the t-shirts i wore to mardi gras or the bracelets i took off every night, but i remember i was a punker and i had this punk rock boy. i don't remember his jokes, but i remember how he looked when he smiled.
so have i suffered some great injustice, or have i made out like a bandit?
either way, today, at this time, four years ago, he left our world in pursuit of a new one. and he can't be defined or held down, but damn if he doesn't reek havoc with my memory.
i hope you're somewhere warm, bean.
thanks.
